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I don't think I would be able to contain my laughter. I started seeing this guy after breaking off a five-year-long relationship.

Things went slow for a while because we had so many friends in common, we wanted to make sure it would work out before jumping into a relationship and then having to call it off.

Great, fantastic. After some weeks of keeping it PG, we went to his house Didn't think much of it or notice the size. Some days later we tried again — he did get it up, but when he went to put it in, it was just…impossible.

It was as if it were my first time all over again. I remember thinking of that SATC episode where Samantha really tries to make it work but the guy is just too big.

We gave up. But now I was intrigued. So we gave it a third shot. After a party where we both drank way too much, we ran to his place. He didn't have condoms so, as he told me later, he asked his friend for one as we were exiting the party.

The borrowed condom turned out to be red. We dated for a year. After I had my IUD put in, my boyfriend could feel the strings.

The IUD is in your uterus but the strings hang down into your vagina so you can check to confirm that the IUD is still in place. So my doctor trimmed them a bit shorter.

When I told him during my next appointment that my boyfriend could STILL feel the strings, he looked completely taken aback.

That's when I knew I was dealing with an EP enormous penis. So, years ago, I devoted my entire existence to sexual conquest.

It's pretty common, particularly for gay meth addicts, to just obsessively cycle through one hookup to the next, trying to stay high and get more sex.

As a general bottom with storied experience with the D, I figured that I was up for any challenge. I was a professional, so I thought.

I meet a fellow on Adam4Adam who claims to have a footlong penis. I think it's bullshit: I know that most penises online are around eight inches and in reality they're more like six.

So, I'm guessing that this guy is just exaggerating to try to rope in hungry bottoms. I figure, at best, he's nine inches and just exaggerating.

Male ego and all that. So I invite him over. You good? Something like that. He very clearly asked me if I could really take it. I confidently invited him over.

I got really high, and I was half expecting him not to show up based upon the fact that he was advertising something so ridiculously over-the-top.

He did, in fact, show up. He's scrawny, like 5'9", maybe pounds soaking wet. I'm like, Well, the proportion would make an average dick look huge anyway, so that probably helps him too.

He tells me to start sucking his dick. It flops out. It's incredibly large flaccid — like nearly actual inches. I'm ecstatic. It's clear that he's hung.

So, I'm working on this thing and it just gets bigger. And bigger. Finally, he's like, "Lemme get dat ass.

He wasn't exaggerating. The thing was a solid foot long, like as long as my ulna. Its thickness was proportionate too, meaning it was like a goddamned soda can almost, but not quite.

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So, years ago, I devoted my entire existence to sexual conquest. It's pretty common, particularly for gay meth addicts, to just obsessively cycle through one hookup to the next, trying to stay high and get more sex.

As a general bottom with storied experience with the D, I figured that I was up for any challenge. I was a professional, so I thought. I meet a fellow on Adam4Adam who claims to have a footlong penis.

I think it's bullshit: I know that most penises online are around eight inches and in reality they're more like six. So, I'm guessing that this guy is just exaggerating to try to rope in hungry bottoms.

I figure, at best, he's nine inches and just exaggerating. Male ego and all that. So I invite him over. You good? Something like that. He very clearly asked me if I could really take it.

I confidently invited him over. I got really high, and I was half expecting him not to show up based upon the fact that he was advertising something so ridiculously over-the-top.

He did, in fact, show up. He's scrawny, like 5'9", maybe pounds soaking wet. I'm like, Well, the proportion would make an average dick look huge anyway, so that probably helps him too.

He tells me to start sucking his dick. It flops out. It's incredibly large flaccid — like nearly actual inches. I'm ecstatic.

It's clear that he's hung. So, I'm working on this thing and it just gets bigger. And bigger. Finally, he's like, "Lemme get dat ass. He wasn't exaggerating.

The thing was a solid foot long, like as long as my ulna. Its thickness was proportionate too, meaning it was like a goddamned soda can almost, but not quite.

I tell him I need to ride it to get used to it; he agrees. So, there I am, straddling this scrawny guy with this humungous penis. I couldn't even get the head in.

Bear in mind that I'm high as balls on meth again, I'm in recovery. We tried for about 10 minutes. He started getting soft. I felt incredibly demoralized.

He gets ready to go, grumbling really nastily the entire time, calling me a punk, a bitch, etc. It's clear that he was very frustrated and this was a common occurrence.

I was sort of scared — not that he'd rape me or anything, but that he'd beat me up. He left. I felt incredibly demoralized, like I failed at my one primary objective.

I never heard from him again. The more that I think about this, the more I think this poor guy, like, NEVER got to have intercourse because of how freakish and physically impossible it was.

Rather sad if you think about it. I slept with a guy with huge balls. The first or second time we slept together, he must have noticed me staring, because right away he was like, "Yup, those are some huge balls, aren't they?

Don't worry, though, it's cool. An ex was really concerned and made me go to the doctor about it. He told me I was in the 99th percentile, but totally healthy.

Lesson: If you're chill about your weird junk, it won't seem so weird. OH, also, this guy was bicycle rickshaw driver rider?

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